"I am with you"

Matthew 28:20 "Surely, I am with you always."

There was a time in my life when I did not think of anything else but being pregnant and round and full of life within. I ached for a pregnancy like other women....women who knew the joy of holding their babies.... because at that time, I had not had such a privilege. My first three pregnancies ended in miscarriages. I was torn from the inside out with dispair. I was thankfully in a circle of loved ones who knew how to care for me. They gave me space, but surrounded me with support and love and tons of prayers.

Then my first full term pregnancy was littered with hormones, aches, illnesses and trauma. I felt battered from the process and thankful to still be holding a baby when the nine months was over. God did not feel very close, but he didn't feel far away either. I was in a strange place emotionally. Grief was everywhere....in my new babies cries and in my longing for what could have been....

My painful divorce shortly after that child, left what was a hole only God could fill. "I Am With You" became my anthem of a prayer in search for Him in every day.

Soon, a second chance at life and love was a joy like nothing I thought I would experience again. A joy felt through the pain, inspite of the pain, but not for long.

Another miscarriage immediately pushed me to bury the grief....all of it. Then, another unknown pregnancy and a very real miscarriage.... "No God!" I cried.... the flood gates began to open and shortly I felt some healing take place. Months went by and we discovered we were pregnant. I began to grieve my God would not continue to put me through the pain of bearing any more... pain.

Sonograms had begun to look good, but then a tear in the placenta appeared. I wept in the doctors office with the same sonogram technician who had seen all of my pregnancies. The office was mourning with me, but encouraging me that things could turn around. My neice's birthday party a few days later held the ultimate blow to my faith....I lost the baby. I lost the will to be a mother.... I didn't want to be near my family, but surrounded me for hours. My husband, I will never forget, through tears held my head in his hands and declared that he knew his eyes were not telling the whole story, but he was going to hold on to the Faith that God was going to give us a child, in fact, he was convinced that there was still a pregnancy. (No medical evidence to agree with him.) God held me...grieving

This picture was taken (believe it or not) with my second full term child who was delivered healthy. (This picture is at 8.2 months gestation.) The miscarriage I just spoke of...on my nieces birthday was a miscarriage but was not the end of that pregnancy. ???? The appointment to check on my uterus after that miscarriage was a double shock for EVERYONE! A small fetus had settled into a 12 week gestation baby.... the child lost would have been 4 weeks older than this baby, lost at 7.3 weeks.... HOW???

Believe it or not.... both children would have been lost if the first "fraternal" twin had continued to grow in my uterus. Yes, by a miracle, a had been pregnant with both babies at the time of the miscarriage. I had fraternal twins who were separated by several weeks and my doctor confirmed that this was possible but typically ended in difficultly to both the mom and the babies. He admittedly declared that some things were best left to Faith, and focused on securing this childs term to delivery. (Madisen Faith was beautiful.)

A few years later, God gave us Noah ~ plain & simple with no real worries or complications during gestation. (I posted about him earlier this month.)

God declared that He would always be with me. He didn't say I would sail through life without grieving, and He didn't promise a rose garden. In fact, he declared the opposite, in this life you will find sorrow....

The joy of this picture is far greater than parents ready for a new life. The joy of this picture is the miracle of JOY regardless of PAINFUL memories.... JOY in a life of Faith that results in knowing I can NEVER understand everything.... I don't need to .... I just need to ENJOY what is GOOD!