WALKING IT OUT

Monday, July 27, 2009

New Work in Me (Long One)

I can’t explain in a blog just how strange and dysfunctional my childhood was but I can bet that everyone could relate or has an extended family member that can. So, I will tread carefully but just want to point out that in MY childhood, I thought things were great….sometimes…..and sometimes I was genuinely scared to death (mostly of being abandoned or forgotten and not so much injured). With that understanding, you can make sense of the childlike faith that I held to with the grip of both of my hands: “There MUST be a God and He has to protect me – SOMEHOW!”

Well, as you get older you change your ideas, but you also grasp an understanding of what was really happening in and around you as a child. So, my life seemed less scary as I got older in many senses. However, I will not lie that in other extremes my openness and ability to believe in the supernatural left me vulnerable to some pretty scary unknowns. The only thing I knew for certain was that I could feel, sometimes see and sometimes hear the supernatural realm. I had NO DOUBT in angels or demons or spirits or whatever adults wanted to call them…but I knew they were there.

Ok, so now that you think I was a strange “Sixth Sense” kid…I wasn’t!! I jokingly admit though that I saw several ‘people’ who didn’t have explanations or never seemed to stay around for an adult to witness them helping me. So, maybe I was open to the world that so many people don’t want to hear or see or feel.

When God became an understanding of something I needed as a savior for my own mistakes and to find the comfort that could fill the emptiness inside – I jumped at the chance to experience a new sense of peace. I WAS ALL IN!

Fast-forward 24 years and I am in a summer when God has OVERWHELMED me with an eye-witness view of the crazy unexplainable miracles of signs and wonders this side of Heaven. Of course, I again deal with the people who don’t want to believe me and I am alright with that too.

God has once again been pouring out love in ways that are reaching the people who are willing or maybe open to seeing, hearing or touching something beyond themselves. Gold Dust from heaven has been appearing on a lot of people in the area at different times and different churches. Jewels have dropped out of the thin air to be found to have no imperfections. I just posted on my Face Book the account of a musician who travels as a Messenger (Seer) and whose guitar frets turned to solid gold. The pours of men’s hands oozing sweet smelling oil and being able to pray with that oil to see miracles happen.

None of this is NEW….except the work God is doing in my own heart and mind. This year started for me with a revelation from God that my season for tilling the ground was coming to an end, but that I was on the mountain side and had a difficult climb to reach the promise land where my blessings would flow freely. That word was in February. March got even more difficult, I thought until April rolled around and life looked like a scary place of uncertainty with only the exception that I would hold to the promise of my God’s whisper. I can go on month by month but you can trust me that hurdles became a lot more frequent and emotionally challenging. But I held to the love that I found in the Word.

This NEW work…wow has been a long work on my heart but I am finally seeing the changes! This is my own sense of compassion for others and circumstances that can change in an instance. This is a work that has left me less afraid to be rejected and more willing to be vulnerable. These last months in this year have unraveled so many twisted lies that had become the glasses I saw my own life through. I have a clearer picture of my worthiness in the Kingdom of God’s Love. I can understand a little more that I really never understood anything about God! I am looking at the world cautiously aware that everyone longs to admit that the supernatural fascinates them and some people will deny my very testimony and I am ready to accept that too.

There really is freedom in realizing your purpose in life can not be very far away from TODAY. Because without TODAY – you’ll never get to TOMORROW – and only in living for TODAY will you ever be satisfied with the choices you make and the people you love enough to save and the courage you find to tell people the truth.

The truth is that I am free to love deeper, knowing that I will be hurt but that God will protect and mend me in His perfect way; I am at peace with the conflicts around me and my role that I can play as a Peacemaker or as a protector of my children but not as an innocent victim; I am finally at rest in the sense that rest follows me in my very long list of things to do and rest resides in my heart to know it will not all get done in one day but that is ok too.

I pray that you find yourself in such a tangible relationship with the Father’s Love and the comfort of the Cross of Jesus that you too can work through/walk through/climb over and battle this life holds for you without fear of going alone or being abandoned.

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Friday, July 24, 2009

Reaping....??..A Home?

This is a picture of our almost finished home. I am so excited I can hardly sleep at night. Can this really be happening....I hope so!
When my life was feeling like a failure and I could not make my (first) marriage work after years of trying everything....when the relationship within the marriage was violent and unhealthy....I thought surely my God who loved me would get me out of it all alive but -- I never thought that God would give me the opportunity to BEGIN OVER....AND START A NEW...
Of course, if you read my blog you know that I have a beautiful family, loving and supportive marriage with my best friend and what I know is the perfect person for me. So, yes God did want me to be happy and healthy. I understand that God designs us to make our own choices, but He knows those choices and how they will turn out and in His faithfulness, goodness and Love for us He has our "backup" plan written into His will already -- so that He may be glorified and that His goodness will be our testimony. (Versus our own thoughts that we could've done it alone.)
When I moved into my first apartment (after leaving my marriage) I looked around in awe and fear. And over a year later, when I realized my credit was in ruins -- my life was beginning with Asa and I really felt my heart settle into the life of a nomad.
We sowed countless hours into other peoples homes and we always held the upmost respect for the places we lived as though they were ours. I know that the years of paying rent would never amount to any credit balancing. My heart has just simply bleed a little each year when I think of the amount of money we were paying other people with no real security or home to show for it all. That amount will be something a little more than 67,500 dollars. It's a lot when you look at it in a lump sum. That was the last 6 years....In the early years held some times when in order to pay rent, we sold stuff, borrowed money and just plan didn't eat as we feed our children instead. But what I know is that God is smiling on our ability to learn to trust in Him, budget according to what are net income is and really learning to be humble and grateful for all that we have.
In my pursuit to always glorify the Creator who has given me all things...I can only be thankful that all my years of trusting and teaching myself and my kids to respect what we have -maybe the sun is shinning on my face and the wind is at my back for the first time in a long time. I accept that God is a good God...I have even when my life was in the pits. I accept my faith all the more in the face of blessings.
Lord, please let me remember that a short moment ago in my pain, I knew you were God and even in the possibility of goodness - I know you are a good god. That in this life when you said, risk it all and watch it return...or bury it and get nothing at all....that my risks are paying off in a home I can cherish, respect, clean and create a place of safety and security for my family. It seems as though your mercy shines on me even as so many are loosing their homes, continue to guide me and let me not forget what I have learned about trusting in you and working within my budgets. Father God, I am so thankful and in awe of you I respond with my whole heart.

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

Years versus God

The last few weeks I have heard, seen and felt God like never before. For my friends on Face Book, it has probably seemed really strange. I have had my head anointed with a message of freedom which broke years of feeling undeserving off of my neck. I have talked about the literal gold dust falling from an unseen source inside a church service (I saw this with my very eyes). I left with Gold Dust all over my head, face and some on my hands. I have tried to explain that while a man stood speaking to us fresh oil literally began to flow out of the pores of his hands with the scent of vanilla. (A scent unlike that you have really smelled.) You don't have to believe me...I had the experience, watched this man never leave the presence of the crowd....and when the oil from Heaven (anointing oil) began to flow, this servant of the Lord prayed for everyone in the room (even the children) I watched as the last child was prayed for and the oil, the scent and the skin of his hands dried completely in an instant.
The power of God has not left when we have left us when we left these services. During the week as my children and I sang songs of praise and worship Noah got excited about something in the sky. Moments later sitting at the table we saw the Gold Flakes (just one or two) on his little forehead. Later in the week, sparkling dust appeared on my shoulders and neck. The manifestation of the Glory also has given us UNIMAGINABLE FAVOR with people who didn't seem to be able to control themselves.


Ok, I know that those things seem sensational. The God of Elijah, the God of Abraham, the God of Sampson, the God of Elisha and the Bible IS a God who does BIG things. Things that this Western Century church doesn't want to believe, because it may CHANGE something we KNOW. The third world countries, the countries where Christians are still tortured and murdered and the countries that are DESPERATE for God have not been abandoned by the miracles, signs and wonders. So it is my belief that what has happened in this country and the Western Civilization REALLY has been that WE LEFT GOD. We put on horses blinders to keep from seeing the UNEXPLAINABLE GOD. The Church, the Body of Christ made choices to rather have God easy to explain and evangelize than have the tangible presence of the Most High in our midst.


For the last several years a movement has been happening within this Western world, but also around the world of a new wave ~ new revival ~ new fire ~ new desire for God ~ new authentic need for CHANGE ~ new anointing IS falling.
These two pictures are a sample of this last weekend and this weekend (some yet to come). Michael Tyrrell, one of the many instruments of God in these holy revivals is on stage in these photos. A man of integrity and a man of deep compassion for the Body of Christ. Authentic doesn't even begin to describe the miracles, the deliverance and the mercy that flows from his ministry. www.michaeltyrrell.com
I know that there are no tricks, no lights and no special effects, and yet the small bubbles or cloudy circles seen in these pictures were some of God's tangible presence captured on digital film. Believe me or not....my 15 month old son was chasing something....so I would take a picture and immediately see that He would be pointing at or standing near these little orbs. It may be hard to see online, but I don't need the evidence - I have the experience.
I had a remarkable few years during my adolescence to see revival sweep this city and tri-county area. I first-hand saw in services in many different churches, arenas and tents the miracles from Heaven send healing, peace and unspeakable joy. The interesting part to me as I think about those years these past few weeks is how time didn't change in Heaven. Heaven has no time, and therefore the God of Elisha (double portion God) and the God of the disciples (New covenant portion) are all the same God. The same God...different Me.
I began to "grow up" experience the good, the miracles and the sin of life. The more that I matured the less I believed whole-hearted that I DESERVED the same God. The less I believed that the childlike faith was ENOUGH. The less I SAW that GOD COULD DO anything I believed. Doubt drove me into a sleepy like state of unbelief in a God the Is Bigger than my problems and bigger than my enemy. I doubted my worthiness to the prophecies spoken over my life during those revivals in the early 90's. I lived like a brides maid who would never get married but would be stuck in the ugly dress, covered with shame (some of which I didn't deserve).
My eyes have been opened to the God who blesses US, and Loves us EVEN we are making foolish, selfish choices. I believed that the Grace message I used to bring people to Christ was all I needed, but now I see that the GRACE MUST transform my THINKING, my SEEING, and my BELIEVING. I am His Beloved. I can run to God with all my faults, my doubts and my sin and He will STILL answer me, BUT MORE THAN THAT --- He will STILL inhabit the praises of His people. In the hunger for righteousness and peace He changed me over the last few weeks.
My dreams have become clear again. My children look less like a burden of ministry and more like a precious jewel to protect. My destiny is at hand instead of lost. My gifts and talents will be used today, like I will meet Jesus tomorrow. I will not fear rejection. I will not doubt who God said I am in Him. I will not doubt that I can change. I will be a trumpet, or a violin, or a soft voice, or a loud praise....whatever He says, whenever He says....I can not hide from my childlike faith.
Sure 'life' will continue to be difficult in parts (as it has been the last few weeks) and I am confident that my flesh and bones will continue to need food, sleep and water. However, my ability to look for and believe for the fresh manna from Heaven will not waiver. Not when I look one day at a time, or see gift after gift and one praise at a time.
If you think that life has changed you, then you are probably right. Think of when you were a small child and imagine I told you that precious stones would fall from Heaven - you would be looking in the sky all day, every day. As a 4 or 5 year old you would not doubt me over time and you would not forget. Oh, I pray that the faith of a child to believe will begin to manifest in you life. The Lord gave you gifts and talents to use for His glory and to bring peace to you and to others. I pray that you find the dreams or talents or hopes that inspire you to Give God the Praise and the Glory and then inspire you to look for Heaven in the real world.

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Dreams equal open doors

One of my very good friends will graduate with her doctrate in a few weeks. I am so proud of her to fight through all that life has poured out on her and finish such a large task. The unseen work and countless hours of research will seem to pay off. The real payoff is the experience and life that has happened since she started on the journey. And all the detours and re-directions that brought her to this point.

One could argue that the search for her degrees allowed her to experience more in life than she could have read in a book. Although, without the goal in sight, there are may have never been the search for some of those open doors.

So, I have been thinking about how we can seem to wander around aimlessly. When we see a goal, dream or desire that is off in the distant future we tend to gravitate to open opportunities that will lead us to the goals.

Why is it so hard to commit to a goal and be willing to change direction if we become different people and begin to desire different things? I am so glad that my goals for 20 years ago are still reachable but I am also thankful that a few of them evolved over time. I can't imagine what God actually has for my pathway, but I know that my ultimate goal will come to pass as long as I keep dreaming and working toward it.

Without goals or dreams we may end up somewhere we like in life, but we won't always get there via the fastes road. Our dreams serve the purpose to keep us moving and working and they help keep our head up!

Proverbs 21:25 "The desire of a lazy person will kill him because his hands refuse to work."

I challenge you to think today about the inner desire you had or still hold on to. Is it to create something? Be unique? Be successful? How can you start doing those things today, and work toward fulfilling your inner desires? Success after all is in the feeling not the monetary!

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Monday, July 13, 2009

Our words, hopes & dares

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words break something that is not tangible. The parts of us that get broken by words are more than repairable, but the mending is not as easy as a cast. The words of encouragement bring about change in a positive way just as the words and actions of others reflect onto our hopes, dreams, desires and what we dare to TRY.

Everyone knows when you get broken bones a doctor resets it and puts it in a cast to be immobile while it heals. The cast also serves a great unspoken purpose to easily let others know that you can not function as whole yet…it’s easy to see you can’t move the arm or leg or hand or foot by the visible cast placed on the sight.

If only we had casts for the brokenness that can be caused by our word wars. The bandage would have to keep us from interacting with others, and keep us from doubting our dreams. It is simply impossible to accomplish such a task in this realm.

There are so many extremes if what I have brought up, but withstanding those extremes I am really just referencing the normal fights, bullying and damage done by living in this society. The hazards are all around, but once you are wounded by someone the smallest issue of the heart can leave you bleeding all over yourself and spilling into your hopes and desires for the future.

I think that when God encouraged us to love each other and to love our enemies it was not just to help spread the message of Love. I think that it was also to allow us to dwell on the loving aspect of others. When I dwell on the good I find it a lot easier to mend this mental damage and spiritual wounds opened during emotional wars. What happens to us when all we can focus on is the negative spoken over us or the disapproval of others? I think we change our course of directions and we shrink away from the destiny within our hearts. I know that when I am looking for the positive, I see more good than before. I am not merely talking about visualizing good…I am talking about doing good, speaking good and reflecting only on what is TRUTH about us.

If there be imperfections within us all, let us tackle it with a positive look into changing who we are, NOT who people THINK we are.

Let me care less about what might be said about me, but more about what I may say “good” about others. Let me DARE to change the world one WORD, one DREAM, one HOPE at a time!

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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

OPEN...closed...

Surely you have seen those OPEN signs in stores. With the internet purchases most businesses are literally OPEN constantly any day of the week.

I began to think last night that I have a sign like that too. I can be open to what God wants me to do, I can be open to meet new people and I can be open to allow people to see me as I really am. There is a problem with this lifestyle. God will fill me no matter what but people will always hurt me. Someone may just hurt my feelings without intention, but some people choose to hurt me by choosing to use my realness as a vulnerable place to hit me.

I don't always understand how someone can choose their own selfishness or their own motives in order to push people away. The interesting thing to me is that what God has set in motion is OFTEN that the person they are pushing away can offer them so much more than the selfish choices they are making.

In so many situations we do not always understand how God has built our lives on people and circumstances that will all cross paths at some point in seen and unseen ways. Sometimes we see this easily in meeting someone "out of place" and claiming "it's a small world" but often we fortget. We forget just how the one drop of rain can leave a ripple even on a windy day. If we choose to live our lives in a way that only pleases our immediate desires we will eventually be surrounded by people we have hurt and we will always be more miserable in the end.

I pray that God gives me the strength to see through the pain and seek His guidance on how to love people without letting them in my life. I can not be OPEN to people who desire to see me in pain...so God will make a table for me in front of mine enemies, but I will not have to serve them...My God does not tell me to host events for my enemies...NO, He will host the event...I do not need to interact with my enemies until He calls me to the feast...instead, He has called me to show them Love...which I understand will be to not allow them to go hungry, go cold in the streets, to be thirsty when I pass them by...but I will NOT continue to show them my openness into my inner vulnerabilities. I pray that God will guard my heart, take me to the refuge and allow the enemy to destroy themselves with their own greed and selfishness. I pray for protection and I ask that God shield my home from the wrath of these people that seek to defeat my God's will in my life. Amen.

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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Independence

Isaiah 46:4 is God speaking to His people (all of us) that He made us each individually and He will carry us, sustain us and WILL rescue us. Note that this statement is a declaration of who He WAS, IS, and WILL be. The concept is not easily accepted into our minds that have the trouble of the world all around us. However, if we focus on the PROMISE of the pending rescue.

See our real issue becomes recognizing the rescue meant for us. If we don't see the earth as God sees it then we can not possibly see what lies ahead in our future. God does know what is just ahead on my path and what will happen years from now. He will know what the proper rescue will be in a time of difficult situations.

The picture below is so sweet and a wonderful reminder of the dependency of an infant to it's parents or caregiver. We are always this needy with God, but we don't always realize it. Sometimes we think more like 2 year olds than infants. You know what I mean; we throw tantrums and wail on the floor when God wants to change our minds about the place we THOUGHT we were going...mostly because when the parent said "Let's get a banana" the 2 year old heard "let's go to Nana's". So the 2 year old gets impatient and down right ugly when a banana is proudly presented and no grandparent turns up!

The biggest complaint of a parent with a terrible toddler will tell you that their desire for independence brings them to misunderstanding about when they need help and when they don't. Isn't that JUST LIKE ME with my relationship with God!! I completely misinterrupt my situations and sometimes think I need to be rescued when all I need is perspective. When I caused the certain need for Godly help like when really I just needed to stop what I am doing and go to the bathroom BEFORE I go on the long car ride. (Examples from life: Count the cost of a project before starting it as the word declares. Or Stop to seek God's approval before transplanting my family across the country with no job opportunities in sight.) Things which could cause heartache most likely are not all going to get "removed" from our life as much as we surrounded ourselves with circumstances which feel uncomfortable. (Not a real 9-1-1 emergency - just a small finder-binder!)

We don't always hear what we want to hear and we don't always get rescued the way we want.

BUT WE ALWAYS GET RESCUED...


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